Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Randomize
