Even the bartender felt bad for me
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
