he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
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