Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
