Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
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