Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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