Will you blow on my dice?
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Randomize
