found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize
