You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
