the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
Randomize
