I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
