is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize