I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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