just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Randomize
