i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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