you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
what day is it and did you see me today?
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
stop calling my apartment porn island.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
