dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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