laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
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