6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Randomize
