I met the friendliest cop last night
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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