I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
