I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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