her vagina looked like bernie madoff
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Randomize
