Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
