I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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