look no pants
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
