thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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