I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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