I accidentally had phone sex last night
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
