Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
