whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Just invented taco cereal.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Randomize
