Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Randomize
