i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
