I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
