Im at strip club and am horny
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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