You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
