How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I'm sobbing to NWA
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize