do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize