I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
