Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
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