Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
please come you make the beer taste better
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
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