Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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