I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
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