She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Randomize
