ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
