There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
