i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Randomize
