she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
