I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
