I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize