I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
