The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
