Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Randomize
