you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
