the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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