The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
