maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
