im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Im part way to drunk.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
