I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
